Sometimes it’s hard to go back. I’m not good
at revisiting the past. It always turns out to be one of those ‘lump in the throat’ experiences, but
this week I had no choice. This was work. My old school, St Barnabas Primary,
had invited me to talk at a school assembly about my Children’s Book of Richard III and sell books afterwards so, of course, I agreed.
A bit of background – I was teaching at St Barnabas for many years but I thought I wanted to progress up the ranks, become a Head one day. I started to study for an MA and I applied for promotion in a different school. The bad news was that I got the job. The even worse news was that promotion meant a lot more work, a lot more responsibility and a job that, in retrospect, was not possible for one person to do and keep their sanity. I kind of, temporarily, lost mine. I left the new job within months on the sick and never returned to full time teaching again.
So, as I said, this week I went back to St
Barnabas for the first time in over 20 years and I remembered how warm and
friendly it had been and still is and it hit me, with an almost physical slap,
what a mistake I’d made leaving that school.
The experience reminded me of a
favourite poem. I know I’ve mentioned it on my blog before but it bears
a second mention. It is The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost.
Do you ever regret decisions made?
Hindsight is 20/20 so I try to live by Edith Piaf - Je ne regretted rien - I regret nothing. I do look back and when I graduated from college I started training in a new job (that ultimately sent me to TX). This was the responsible real world job. I got a call from my old French prof. offering an intern (no pay) job in France. Oh, I was torn - that would have been so cool. But based on the frown by my mother and the need to be responsible, I said no and stuck with the new job. I ended up quitting it in less than a year. Oh well.
ReplyDeleteGlad they called you back for a talk. But, if you'd stayed there you might not have had the time to write your books.
All good. No regrets!
Je ne regret rien sounds like a healthy mantra to adopt. Thanks Joanne.
DeleteWe all make mistakes, Ros. But they don't feel like mistakes at the time - we do them for the best of reasons (mostly). Was my first marriage a mistake? We were good friends but we're rubbish at being marriage and the break up was dreadful. But we have wonderful daughters - and now we are friends again.
ReplyDeleteI hope you can forgive yourself for what feels like a mistake looking back. You were simply doing what was expected of you - as so many of us do - and wanting to go up the career ladder. But now you are doing something you love!
Yes, I do love writing, Jo. Thanks for the reminder.
Delete"what a mistake I’d made leaving that school."
ReplyDeletewrong - if you'd have continued there you may well still have been there today, reasonably happy but never having had time to write ...... and that would have been sad.
Now you have returned as a celebrity author.
PS I too loved that poem, but it's been kind of ruined by being on the Englsh literature syllabus here in Israel since before I was born - and I'm bored with it now .
Steady on, Ann. Not sure that 'celebrity author' is quite the category! What a shame about the Frost poem.
DeleteNot everyone is cut out for stress. I once thought I wanted to be a lawyer.
ReplyDeleteThat's true, Shelly, and I include myself in that. Stress makes me ill.
DeleteWhen one door closes, another one opens - or so I like to tell myself. There would have been no time to publish your Richard book.
ReplyDeleteI bet your classroom skills allowed you to bring your book to life for them.
You're right, L. Richard III has taken up a vast amount of my life recently!
DeleteOh Ros! what a question! Of course there are things I regret - the really big decisions that affected my entire family - but as I can't unring that bell I've had to try to see the plus side. Not always easy :(
ReplyDeleteI love that phrase, Lizy, "unring that bell" and I try to see the plus side in everything. As you say, it's not always easy.
DeleteI regret not doing things more than things I have done. Like not getting better internships in undergrad :/
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean, Gwen, although in theory I suppose we can always go back and study some more. I got my degree aged 31 but even now wish I'd had that full 'going away to university as a teenager' experience.
DeleteLife has been"a long and winding road for me" with many twists and turns along the way. This has made me what I am today and I now have a full and varied life. Very much do I regret decisions made both by me and for me-going back to when I was a child and into adulthood.
ReplyDeleteI, too was a teacher and left due to the stress of too difficult a job and school. I wanted to return to teaching at a lower level and was preparing to do so. Pressure of needing money coming in caused me to make another decision and go into a different profession.
Looking back can be so painful. My advice would be; live in the present Rosalind and look to the future-I do. Petra.
Money needs guide many of us onto wrong paths. I do admire you for being able to live in the present, Petra. It's not easy.
DeleteThe biggest challenge for me has been to forgive myself for my decisions and to accept that they really weren't my fault. If you'd stayed at that school, you might have blamed yourself for never having taken any chances.
ReplyDeleteIt's good that you've been able to come to terms with those issues, Miriam, and you're right. I would maybe still have regrets, just different ones.
DeleteHi Ros - you wouldn't be here today, and you wouldn't be writing about Paxton ... we may regret, yet we have had the opportunities we've been given because of the paths we have chosen .. I'm so pleased for you re Paxon - yes sad too because life went slightly pear shaped for a while ... cheers Hilary
ReplyDelete